the hardest ones to love are the ones that need it most

do you ever think back on the past?
wonder. . .
who was there, who wasnt.
who you liked, who you hated.

now think on those people in the past, how close were you to them?
remember all those times you crashed at eachothers place,
or running on their street playing tag,
remember your inside jokes, your nicknames, your games
now think about why your not friends.
now i want you to think about what they ment to you, did you have this one friend that practicaly became your sister? your brother?
would you be able to walk up to them on the street or would you walk right by not knowing who that person was to you.

I had many people who where my brothers, none i would recognize today. i would walk by not knowing who i passed, not remembering what they ment to me, not recognizing their faces.
now dont get me wrong as a kid i had many sisters, only two i still know today.
but what hits me hard? why i cant put these guys out of my head? i dont know there faces, cant remember the names. but i remember all those times we spent near the ravine (but not to close) or on the trampoline. i loved them, i couldnt live without them.
they were my dads best friends sons, and another was my cousins bestfriend up in TB.

i dont know them today because of my parents. my parents took the most important part of me away. daddy got into a fight, theyv been friends since highschool, but one little fight tore my whole world apart. i thought they didnt want me. i didnt understand why we stoped visiting, why we wouldt go back, i was young around 8 or 9, but they were my brothers i needed them. i dont know exactly what i was told when i asked why we wernt at their place one weekend, it was there weekend. that summer we didnt go back to thunder bay, i had gone 4 straight years and didnt know why we didnt go back, i lost all my brothers but the one up there, i knew i could trust him to put me back together. he would show me he still loved me. we didnt go back. this time was my mothers fault, she hated my uncles girlfriend. my soul nearly died; i started doing really stupid things, just to show myself i was still alive...its a mricale i lived thru that. my stupid stunts got worse and worse till i stopped. i was the reason she got hurt, she nearly died because of me so i stopped came back to earth. i had lost everone but katie, because after that summer i started pulling from emily and christina. they were from that life; the happy one. i dont know why but my brain said to pull away, i couldnt let them leave me so i slowly left them.

i lost my bestfriends and a little part of myself that year. i stopped caring about myself, stopped caring about my health, my sanity. i lost everything but katie, she never let me down, tried to stop my fall. i started to learn to deal with it. i became friends with michal, leah and maddy. i stoped my stunts because. well thats somthing i wont talk about, not even to madison, not even to katie.

i was 8 or was i 9? that shows just how much a loss can effect a little girl. my hearts been sealed tight since then. my brain says "trust noone" still to this day because of what happend half my life ago. a little girl loves to freely, she sees these people all the time, anyweekend her father can drive them up really, but allways without fail on there weekend. i couldnt even tell you when that was anymore. and once there gone and she cant figure out why her heart gets broken. why dont they want to see me? dont they love me? and every weekend her father dousnt shout "in the car were seeing the trampoline man" she starts believeing it even more and more. that was my nikename for him, daddys bestfriend. this little girl lost the people she had let in, let in to her family but she never stoped freely loving not till her 14th birthday. this little girl was all grown up. she had mostly gotten over her losses, was friends with emily again, was still friends with maddy, and had many many more. all these people she loved so much. then it came. the day at the restaurant. her world died for the second time, came crubeling down around her. she barely kept from bawling right there in the restaurant. this little girls been through so much. she cant stand the first 2 weeks of christmas, hates her birthday and cant wait to move out of the house. she closed her heart since then,but let it open for one guy, he remindeded her of thunderbay, they met at camp. he left but by then she was used to it. used to losing people it only hurt for awhile what he did,only because of the way he did it. fucking coward.

you might want to know why im telling you this. writing it out for the whole world to see. it could be so any mothers or fathers who mightof come accross this blog via the next blog button they might know to not pull her or him away from the few people they needed, or atleast told them why they couldnt see them anymore. it could be to show why my walls are so high, why i dont trust easily. it could be because im sick and tired of keeping this all in. it could be because im learning to trust again, and i need help. it could be because i learnt that somtimes its best to lose things, forget things and move on. it could be to show people whov been thru this that they will learn to live, to survive. it could be to keep others who come across this from doing the same mistakes i did. the worst one was leaving emily, other than katie she was my best friend and all i had left. but i left her behind, why? i wouldnt live thru watching her walk away from me. it could be because iv finally learnt to get over heartbreak. it could be because im scared of what i was back then and i hope no one goes back. it could be to show why im against drugs in all forms.. and no i wasnt a druggie at age 9, but i lived for the high i got off my stunts...i was never afraid of my own safety, frankly im surprised i surived; looking back, she allmost died because she was coppying me, it was somthing i allways did, she tried it once. if mother wasnt there...

it could be a bunch of those things, it could be all, it could be one. but if anyone takes anything from this. know to love always and trust freely. dont do what i did. im still broken have been since the age of 8, im like "just alice" now with her "harbringer" i dealt, i survived; not sure how but i did. i will. iv seen my friend now with somthing of a broken heart she loves the wronge guy. and i know from my past, hearbreak wouldnt even hurt me not for more than a few days, im not skared anymore. iv lost so much i learnt to deal. it breaks my heart now to see her like this because i remember how i felt. but it taught me to be stronge. i guess im a fast learner in anything that dousnt involve school.

"to love is to destroy and to be loved is to be destroyed" if i have done anything in this but scare my friends and bf(doubt hes reading this, which is good) would be to show why i named my blog after this book quote. maybe it will now make sense to the masses.

im sorry if you people are now scared for my sanity or getting mad at me for this
but i needed it out, iv gone through every part of the healing process but the talking about it
im not good at talking, i write more its easyer than explaining.
im not crazy, im not insane, i wont spiral into myself again.
iv put this all behind me, and iv learnt, iv get my strength from my past.

the only thing that can leave me never wanting to leave my room, is always thinking about that day in the restaurant, always wondering if i could have kept her going longer, kept her with me, with stan and granny longer. its the one of two only. things that will ever again make me nearly katatonic, this i can promise you guys, this i can promise. i wont get lost again.
ill never get lost again.
Motley
p.s the "alice" thing was mentioning the characture in the SyFy movie Alice, its really quite great.. maybe better than tim burtons. go rent it.